Undeniable - another essay
I'm not sure I can explain what it feels like. Remember when you're a kid, and your parents tell you that one day you can be whatever your heart desires? From that moment most children change dreams daily, weekly, trying to find what they'll be doing when they grow up. I didn't do that. I remember laughing. I remember thinking that they were wrong. As a child I knew that I couldn't be what ever I wanted too, because I was going to be something that chose me...But I didn't know what that would be. There's the feeling of walking alone in an empty house, and feeling the stares of hundreds of eyes watching me, hoping that I'll see them. Its that nagging feeling from the base of my neck that I'm not using everything I was given. That there's something inside of me that is trying to get out. Its struggling to understand the thoughts that come to me at four in the morning that feel like they should mean something. Its knowing that one day everything I've done until now, won't really matter. Waking up in the morning and expecting to wake up somewhere else. In the quiet of the night, when I'm alone, it's the undeniable feeling that I mean something that I don't understand. I've searched through religions, looking for anything that strikes a chord, finding only bits and pieces of things that must form a bigger puzzle.
I have no idea what I'm meant to do, but I know that this feeling is not what everyone else goes through. People don't hear what I do...they don't see beyond the things in front of them searching for what's hidden in the veil. Hell, most people don't even know there is a veil. I don't know how I know, but I know. And that knowlege, that feeling is the reason I drag myself through each day. I sleep hoping once I'll wake up and everything will be clear. It's the haze I intend to see through one day.