A Random, Dream Memory
This is a dream I had. It felt very real, and I couldn't really get it out of my head until I wrote this out.
He apologized to me for the first time last night. He trembled like a child about to be punished for telling a lie at his admittance. He used words I thought him incapable of uttering, ever. He said he'd learn to move on, move past his mistakes, and learn from how he'd treated me.
I reeled at his audacity. His blantant assumption that I cared for him still.
I tried to calm myself. I tried to gather thoughts that slipped through my mind's reach too rapidly.
He reached for me. His hands wrapped mine tightly, his eyes stared past mine, and for a moment, I knew his thoughts. I saw through his eyes at my defiance for my own feelings. I saw myself threatened by the way he confronted me with his love. I'd been too blind to see the way I'd treated him.
He released my hands and moved backwards. Sliding silently away from me, scared of his revelation.
"I tried to love you. You refused me."
I laughed at him. Unable to remember when he'd ever said anything to me that could have been taken as admittance... "You said nothing. I loved you...too much. I would have done anything for you, and you turned from me, when I needed you most." My mind flashed with the day I saw him walking away for the last time...I sighed. How could he stand there and tell me that I was the one...How could I have refused him, and not known?
"I said nothing, because even if I had, I knew you'd never believe it. You're eyes told me that you'd reject it. My mind told me to leave well enough alone..."
"So you decided that it'd be better to tear out my heart...let me watch you fall in love with someone else as revenge?"
His eyes glistened in the soft light. I felt nothing for him now but rage and anger. How could I feel anything else? What right did he have to tell me how I felt, what I would have said? I stood and walked towards him, my jaw set, sore as I felt my teeth grind, fists curled, I stood inches from him. I tapped with a pointed finger at his chest. "You had no right to try and interpret my thoughts. You should not have kept this from me. I cried for you, cried until I had no tears left. You defied yourself, as you say I defied you...nothing gave you that right. I deserved better, and so...did...you."
He backed away from my pointed touch, into the darkened wall behind him, as the first tear fell to his cheek. "I didn't know what to do, I was too young to understand, and now...I was only trying to help you...You have no one, and I thought it was my fault. I've seen you. You still cry. I'm sorry." His voice trembled and cracked at the end. He held his hands to his face, ashamed of the fool he'd become. Older, and no wiser for his mistakes, he'd lost a friend, and a love all at once, and he didn't know either were out of his grasp, long before...
"You should be. But for all your tears, I feel nothing for you now. I loved you too deeply then, I have none left for you now. And it's no one's fault but my own." My breath failed me just then. Like the moment it does before the tears begin to fall, I waited, and none came. I shut my eyes, closing them from his gaze, and my own...
*This is something like a dream I had. I'm sure there's plenty to be found for myself here...I'm too lazy to look...